(Instrumental music with talks in English)
(Music and chalk noises)
I’m a trans woman. I’m… I identify as asexual, but, not like aromantic. Because I like… I like to have special relationships. And umm, I’m on the autism spectrum, lots of weird anxiety things, I have experienced lots of things, relationships… maybe also sexuality, all these things, which is… particular and I think there are lots of things that combine as part of my experience that are unique and that I’d like to share.
I know that often, when I see other people’s experiences it’s rare that there’s something that I find represents me well. And I think that we need more special cases of weird people.
One barrier is that, in general, we have expectations about how people behave and how they use… move, interact, we have expectations about these and these expectations aren’t necessary… it’s not everybody who can… fulfill respond to these expectations. And so just living, in general, in the world, with these people, and trying to do in that world, it’s something that burns up my energy, because I always have to conform to these behavioral standards.
For a long part of my life I tried just to… not exist and to take up as little space as possible, and to make as few movements as possible because, it was safer. Now, I try to take up more space and to take that space in my own way. There’s a bit of… when I try to state my needs, especially when it’s something really specific in a particular moment, often it’s difficult for me because I find my needs illegitimate, and that it’s just too complicated. So there’s lots of internalized ableism.
When I try to explain to my girlfriend, certain of these needs that I could have, it can relate a lot to internalized ableism, so that could be hard. Difficult for me, but also difficult in terms of education because when I’m becoming really anxious because I find that I’m asking for illegitimate things that are just complicated and that I try to ——, that doesn’t put me in a good position to education people because I have the impression that I’m bad. So…
Generally, in my experience, the moments that autism or anxiety become visible are when I’m really not doing well. So, stating my needs in advance, that could be really positive. It’s also really important in terms of consent. But when that comes up in the moment, when I feel bad I can’t give advice to someone on how to interact with me. I have to say: “Ok, that, that works generally, but if I do this, ‘stop’.”
(a)sexuality and disability
For me, what’s important is relationships. And everything that can be more sexual, related to sex, bodies generally, in my experience that’s more linked to the fact that I’m trans and everything related to my body follows from that. I think that my sexuality and my asexuality could be understood in relation to my trans experience. But again, I don’t that think that we can just link it to my disability, and I don’t think that we can just link it to… to my trans experience. What I’d like people to understand about asexuality, like umm… is that… okay, I’ll say three things.
One: It’s an experience that it’s completely as legitimate as all the other forms of sexuality or other forms of relationships, also, or desire of relationship. Because, me, I want to be in relationships. There are people who don’t want that, and that’s super legitimate too. So that, that would be the first thing.
The second thing is that… to be in a couple and make love, that doesn’t necessarily have to go together. I think one thing that we try to valorize in sex-positive discourses is that we can move beyond. Marriage is not necessarily exclusive, like it was the 1960’s. We can have something more diversified, but we can also not have the need for that in a couple.
And I think that the third thing I would say is to not forget that… even if there isn’t… you know… to my knowledge, there isn’t systemic violence against asexual people, that doesn’t mean that the group doesn’t live forms of “oppression”, or experience marginalization in certain communities, and are easily forgotten. And that we have our place in, you know the long acronym of LGBTQIA, and that the A is not for allies. That asexual people have their place in communities and movements around sexual diversity, and diversity in general. Because it’s not true that we’re that well integrated in many spaces. For example, we’re poorly integrated in lots of spaces that call themselves queer.
Often, the things we say against asexual people to de-legitimize their experiences, are the same things that people used to say against homosexual or bisexual people, against trans people, against intersex people, so it’s not necessarily the same thing, but the same type of attitude and discourse and the same schema.
I think that we have to understand sex-positivity as not necessarily more sex, but like, more diversity and more openness to different experiences. That could be more openness like less traditional ways to approach that, to not want to make love because it’s not something that I understand and it’s not something that I find important.
These video have been produced by FQPN and realised by Rozen Potin. Responsible for the project: Charli Lessard and Aimee Louw. With the participation of Isabelle, Caroline and Hodan. Translation: Aimee Louw