Dealing with rude non-disabled

Article part of a serie published on www.scarleteen.com on July 28, 2017.

Many people with evident physical impairments — like those that require the use of mobility devices — encounter rude questions from nondisabled people on the regular. Those with chronic illnesses and other impairments that might not always be immediately obvious certainly come in for their share as well. Sometimes it feels like we should be selling tickets to the freak show.

Ridiculous and wildly inappropriate questions come from family, friends, complete strangers, and even medical professionals who should know better.

They may want to know: “What’s wrong with you?” “How did you get like that?” “Are you going to get better?” “How do you [ordinary daily task]?” But when it comes to sexuality, many nondisabled people are extremely curious — and rude.

Some seem to think asking for intimate details about your sex life is totally okay. They want to know mechanics and details like: “How do you have sex in a wheelchair?” “Can you…?” If you’re LGBQ, they ramp it up even more. The good old “but how do lesbians have sex?” question goes on steroids when one or both partners is disabled. It doesn’t seem to occur to them that they’re being pretty rude — how would they like it if we went around asking them intimate personal questions?

You have the right to privacy, and to be treated with respect and dignity. That includes the right to decline to discuss private medical information with people, and to pass on an opportunity to talk about whether and how you have sex. The only people who truly need information about your sex life are your sexual partners — in intimate personal communication with each other about how to have joyful, delightful sex — and your doctor, when it’s medically relevant. (“I’m thinking about getting pregnant,” “I’m having vaginal pain,” or “I’m worried I might have an STI.”)

It can be hard to figure out how to deal with people asking invasive questions, particularly if you live in a culture where you’re taught to be polite to others, especially elders, and it’s an important part of your values.

It may feel uncomfortable or even wrong to assert yourself, so let’s start with the soft approach, one endorsed by none other than Miss Manners: The “pardon me?”

“Hey, can you, you know…get it up?”

“Pardon me?”

People ask rude questions for all kinds of reasons — genuine curiosity, confusion, a mistaken attempt at conveying interest, or, yeah, rudeness. A (sometimes rather pointed) “pardon me?” is an answer that’s both perfectly polite and unobjectionable while also putting people on blast that what they’re saying probably isn’t very appropriate. By reflecting the question back on the asker this way, you’re forcing them to rethink whether that question is such a good idea.

If they decide to keep pressing the point, it’s okay to say: “That’s none of your business,” “I don’t feel comfortable discussing personal matters with you,” “I don’t think this is relevant to the conversation,” or just, “You’re being rude, please stop.” Sometimes rephrasing the question and tossing it back at them can also send a pretty clear signal that ends this line of conversation — “How do you have sex in a wheelchair?” “Uh, how do you have sex without one?”

It’s okay to be curious — I’m curious about all kinds of things! — but it’s not okay to use actual living humans like a reference textbook.

There are resources available to nondisabled people who are interested in learning more about disability and sexuality that don’t involve querying every disabled person they meet about their personal lives. (Like this one, for example!) Sometimes nondisabled people feel awkward or uncomfortable and it’s not your job to put them at ease, but redirecting the conversation somewhere else can demonstrate that you have interests beyond your disability; shift the conversation to books, cooking, music, film and television, something in the news, or other topical subjects.

Don’t be afraid to ask for a bailout, either. Your friends should be able to back you up when you’re trapped in the corner with someone who’s quizzing you about whether it’s awkward to have sex when you wear an insulin pump. If you’re out with friends, consider arranging a discreet signal that means “come help me!” so you can escape these kinds of conversations. Your nondisabled friends should also know that it’s okay (and welcome) to intervene even without being asked if they see a disabled person being asked invasive personal questions, and encourage them to push back on speculation about the sex lives of disabled people even when we aren’t in the room.

Many people think it’s okay to ask rude questions because no one has told them not to, or they think the rules don’t apply to them. Letting them know it’s not okay isn’t just good for you, it’s good for society.

Wheelchair, Bound? Kink and Disability

Article part of a serie published on www.scarleteen.com on July 28, 2017.

Think you might be a little kinky? You’re not alone — while it’s hard to get specific numbers, the profile of the kink community is definitely on the rise. “Kink” is a very broad and subjective spectrum of sexual and social activities, as Heather notes in our “Working the Kinks Out” primer. You may think handcuffs, whips, chains, ropes, masks, and dog collars, but people define kink in many different ways, including in scenes that explore their emotional and social relationship to each other (sometimes referred to as role playing, which can be done without physical interactions too!). It’s important to note, though, that kink is not universal. Some people don’t find the term a good fit for their lives, and if it’s not a term you like, that’s okay!

If you want to explore various aspects of kink — or whatever you want to call it — there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, and it can be fun and one way to build rich, fulfilling relationships. However, just as in any community, there are definitely bad actors — predatory and abusive people — in the kink world. Some warning signs can help you differentiate between genuine kinkiness and abusive behavior, but in general, responsible kinksters are very focused on: Open, clear, safe, respectful communication; consent and clearly defined boundaries; respect for each others’ emotions and bodies; autonomy and empowerment; and physical safety in situations where people could be at risk.

Some corners of the community are super welcoming to disabled people because they know what it’s like to be marginalized because of who they are, what their bodies look like, and the nature of their sexual interests. Others may not be so friendly, in which case, their loss! If you want to explore kink, it’s likely to feel best in a respectful environment with people who support your right to access fair, equitable, kind treatment.

Let’s get physical

Some kinky activities may not require any specific adaptations for disabled bodies or brains. Others might, which is why it’s really helpful to be open about the nature of your disability and your limitations with partners. They can only look out for your safety if they know what to look out for. Self-assess your emotional and physical limitations as you look at activities that sound intriguing, from being tied up to some (negotiated) humiliation play — whether you are leading or following those interactions.

When you start having a conversation with a leader, be as clear as you can about the limits that are important to you and make note of warning signs that something is going wrong. A responsible partner — of people who are and also aren’t disabled! — should already be looking for things like strained breathing, color changes in your skin or on your extremities, an extremely fast or slow heart rate, or signs of nonresponsiveness, but you know your body and your mind better than they do. If you have a cognitive impairment and you know that sensory stimulus can sometimes make it hard to communicate, for example, make sure your partner understands that.

If you’re doing the leading, think about your responsibility to keep your partner(s) safe. You may have physical impairments that make it hard to lift or move someone, react quickly in a crisis, or manipulate small objects. Some activities might be challenging, but adaptations can make them fun and sexy. Can’t use rope because it’s hard to grasp? Consider a woven scarf! Have trouble working with someone on a bed? Have them sit in a chair — and tie them to the chair back if they get wriggly. Know that you sometimes struggle with unclear communication? Turn very clear, concise communication into part of the experience.

Some specific risks to consider:

  • Airway safety: If you have difficulty breathing and/or use a ventilator/BiPAP, make sure any positions you use are safe, and tell your partner how to react if you start struggling.
  • Circulatory problems: If your disability interferes with circulation, some positions or activities can be dangerous because they may interrupt bloodflow.
  • Neurological issues: You may have sensation limitations, making it hard to tell if something is breaking skin, burning, or bruising you, or you could have problems standing or sitting for long periods of time. You could also experience referred pain (when someone touches you in one place and it hurts in another) or other unexpected neurological symptoms. For those who experience seizures, it’s important to have a plan in place in the event of a seizure, including ensuring the recipient of your attention is able to contact EMS if necessary.
  • Limited range of motion: Some people like pushing their bodies, but too far can be dangerous. If you feel pain or distress, say so — and let your partner know which kinds of activities just aren’t possible.
  • Cognitive disabilities: If you sometimes have trouble communicating, make a plan ahead of time for facilitating constant, safe conversation, including developing a list of criteria for stopping to take an immediate break.

Many people use safewords to indicate that everything is going great, hey maybe things should slow down, and no, stop immediately. The traffic light approach (“green,” “yellow,” and “red”) is common, but you can come up with something else if you like. Physical signals can also be useful to reinforce messages — or replace verbal cues if you can’t talk. If you have a limited range of motion, spasticity, or other issues that might make it hard to communicate physically, discuss this during your negotiations.

Being adaptable to respond to disability concerns doesn’t mean you can’t have fun, and in fact, sometimes creativity can spark a little evil genius.

If you’re the one wielding the power in a scene, your voice can be an incredible tool, but you can also take advantage of some of the same things you use in daily life to torment your partner. Those grabbers and extenders that help you grasp and navigate the world? Totally adaptable to a physical scene, too. Limited hand strength? You can use the weight of your body as a tool for restraining your partner. You can also bring a third person on the scene to do your bidding, if you want to explore role play.

If you’re the follower — or an equal, depending on how you interact with your partner(s) — you also play an active role in deciding how a scene will play out. You may have adaptive suggestions beforehand that will make the scene more fun and playful. Adaptations will improve and enrich your time together!

Spoken word

While exploring physical sensation together can be intriguing, some people prefer to go verbal (written, spoken, or signed) with a role play. This can make for a fun break, or it might be more your jam, or you might enjoy a mix of the two.

Sometimes role playing can be an interesting way to explore power and control, disablist social structures, and how you relate to the world. Sometimes it can also feel a little too real. A responsible, respectful partner understands when it’s time to stop, either by hearing the word “stop” or picking up on your nonverbal cues, whether they’re leading or following a scene.

Be really specific and clear in negotiations about what you are and aren’t comfortable with (“I don’t like medical role play” “I won’t say that word” “It makes me anxious when…”), and don’t be afraid to safeword out if a scene is making you anxious or causing distress, or to stop a scene as a leader if you feel uncomfortable with the direction it’s headed in. If you know you sometimes go nonverbal or feel a little scrambled when you’re in overload, tell a partner that so they know, and ask them to take it slow and check in regularly — if they ask for feedback and you don’t respond or sound confused, upset, or frustrated, then it’s time to stop.

Afterward

Whether you’ve been involved in an intense physical scene or a dramatic emotional one, kink involves a comedown. Structure time for a break to nurture each other after playing. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what you’ll need after a scene together, especially when playing for the first time, so it’s ideal to have a conversation ahead of time to match up expectations.

  • Physical comfort: Did you lead a scene? Make sure your partner is physically comfortable with cushions, a blanket if needed or wanted, something to drink, and some snacks. Ask your partner if they’re feeling any physical pain or tension. Some people like being touched after a scene —maybe that’s gentle massage, snuggling, brushing their hair — so ask them how they’re doing and whether they’d like more or less attention. On the flip side, communicate with your partner about what you need to be comfortable, and check in with your body. Be aware that endorphins may make it hard to notice pain, dehydration, and other issues at first, so if you feel great, keep checking in with youself.
  • Emotional comfort: The intensity is one of the things some people love about kink, but it can cause a little emotional whiplash for everyone involved in a scene. You might not want to process immediately afterwards, but check in with each other about how you’re doing, and if you have any needs and issues to address. Keep your space calm and relaxing: Think low light, low noise levels, and gentle voices — unless you or your partner is someone who wants lots of stimulation after a scene.
  • Evaluation: After you’ve had time to recover, integrate your play into your ongoing conversation about your relationship. What worked and didn’t work? Did you feel frustrated, disrespected, or ignored? Do you have suggestions for fun things to do in the future, or practical adaptations? Were there communication breakdowns? Why?

It’s also important to note that not all kinky scenes with a partner include or end with sex — no matter the sexual orientations of the people involved in the scene, or even their preexisting relationship. You may like playing with someone you’re not sexually attracted to, may not view kink as a sexual activity, could be asexual, or could absolutely love the way playing together enhances your sex life. This can also be part of your negotiations, whether you’re hoping to integrate sex into role play or you just want to tie someone up and whack them with a whip.

A little shy about getting involved in kink, or not sure where to start? Sometimes local kinky organizations hold “munches,” gatherings that are basically mixers for kinky people, though they are typically 18+. They can be a safer way to meet people, because they’re in a controlled group space, and they can give you a sense of the community and whether or not it’s supportive. There may also be a local coffee shop, art gallery, or other spot known among kinksters if you want to feel things out in an all-ages space and environment that isn’t necessarily sexual.

Disability after dark – Podcast

Listen to super cool podcast by Andrew Gurza!

From his webpage: 

ABOUT ANDREW

Andrew Gurza is a Disability Awareness Consultant who invites you to do “Disability with Drew”. In his work, he seeks to explore how the lived experience of disability feels, as it interplays with intersectional communities.  He shares his lived experiences of disability in a raw, vulnerable and unapologetic fashion.

He has presented all across North America on sex and disability as a Queer Crippled man. His written work has been highlighted in Out Magazine, The Advocate and Huffington Post.

He also hosts the Disability After Dark podcast, which shines a bright light on sex and disability.

ABOUT DISABILITY AFTER DARK

DisabilityAfterDark is a brand that looks specifically at disability through a sexual lens.  The brand will go deeper into the experience of sex and disability via a podcast, blogs and writings and a strong social media presence.   I chose DisabilityAfterDark because I wanted to play with the idea of taboo; people tend to assume that sex and disability is wrong, dark and scary, I wanted to explore that. DisabilityAfterDark also plays with the idea of mythology. So many people think that people with disabilities having sex lives and owning their sexualities, simply doesn’t exist.   DisabilityAfterDark hopes to shine a big, bright light on sex and disability, and go deeper into the topic than ever before.

Listen to the podcasts: