Dealing with rude non-disabled

Article part of a serie published on www.scarleteen.com on July 28, 2017.

Many people with evident physical impairments — like those that require the use of mobility devices — encounter rude questions from nondisabled people on the regular. Those with chronic illnesses and other impairments that might not always be immediately obvious certainly come in for their share as well. Sometimes it feels like we should be selling tickets to the freak show.

Ridiculous and wildly inappropriate questions come from family, friends, complete strangers, and even medical professionals who should know better.

They may want to know: “What’s wrong with you?” “How did you get like that?” “Are you going to get better?” “How do you [ordinary daily task]?” But when it comes to sexuality, many nondisabled people are extremely curious — and rude.

Some seem to think asking for intimate details about your sex life is totally okay. They want to know mechanics and details like: “How do you have sex in a wheelchair?” “Can you…?” If you’re LGBQ, they ramp it up even more. The good old “but how do lesbians have sex?” question goes on steroids when one or both partners is disabled. It doesn’t seem to occur to them that they’re being pretty rude — how would they like it if we went around asking them intimate personal questions?

You have the right to privacy, and to be treated with respect and dignity. That includes the right to decline to discuss private medical information with people, and to pass on an opportunity to talk about whether and how you have sex. The only people who truly need information about your sex life are your sexual partners — in intimate personal communication with each other about how to have joyful, delightful sex — and your doctor, when it’s medically relevant. (“I’m thinking about getting pregnant,” “I’m having vaginal pain,” or “I’m worried I might have an STI.”)

It can be hard to figure out how to deal with people asking invasive questions, particularly if you live in a culture where you’re taught to be polite to others, especially elders, and it’s an important part of your values.

It may feel uncomfortable or even wrong to assert yourself, so let’s start with the soft approach, one endorsed by none other than Miss Manners: The “pardon me?”

“Hey, can you, you know…get it up?”

“Pardon me?”

People ask rude questions for all kinds of reasons — genuine curiosity, confusion, a mistaken attempt at conveying interest, or, yeah, rudeness. A (sometimes rather pointed) “pardon me?” is an answer that’s both perfectly polite and unobjectionable while also putting people on blast that what they’re saying probably isn’t very appropriate. By reflecting the question back on the asker this way, you’re forcing them to rethink whether that question is such a good idea.

If they decide to keep pressing the point, it’s okay to say: “That’s none of your business,” “I don’t feel comfortable discussing personal matters with you,” “I don’t think this is relevant to the conversation,” or just, “You’re being rude, please stop.” Sometimes rephrasing the question and tossing it back at them can also send a pretty clear signal that ends this line of conversation — “How do you have sex in a wheelchair?” “Uh, how do you have sex without one?”

It’s okay to be curious — I’m curious about all kinds of things! — but it’s not okay to use actual living humans like a reference textbook.

There are resources available to nondisabled people who are interested in learning more about disability and sexuality that don’t involve querying every disabled person they meet about their personal lives. (Like this one, for example!) Sometimes nondisabled people feel awkward or uncomfortable and it’s not your job to put them at ease, but redirecting the conversation somewhere else can demonstrate that you have interests beyond your disability; shift the conversation to books, cooking, music, film and television, something in the news, or other topical subjects.

Don’t be afraid to ask for a bailout, either. Your friends should be able to back you up when you’re trapped in the corner with someone who’s quizzing you about whether it’s awkward to have sex when you wear an insulin pump. If you’re out with friends, consider arranging a discreet signal that means “come help me!” so you can escape these kinds of conversations. Your nondisabled friends should also know that it’s okay (and welcome) to intervene even without being asked if they see a disabled person being asked invasive personal questions, and encourage them to push back on speculation about the sex lives of disabled people even when we aren’t in the room.

Many people think it’s okay to ask rude questions because no one has told them not to, or they think the rules don’t apply to them. Letting them know it’s not okay isn’t just good for you, it’s good for society.

Wheelchair, Bound? Kink and Disability

Article part of a serie published on www.scarleteen.com on July 28, 2017.

Think you might be a little kinky? You’re not alone — while it’s hard to get specific numbers, the profile of the kink community is definitely on the rise. “Kink” is a very broad and subjective spectrum of sexual and social activities, as Heather notes in our “Working the Kinks Out” primer. You may think handcuffs, whips, chains, ropes, masks, and dog collars, but people define kink in many different ways, including in scenes that explore their emotional and social relationship to each other (sometimes referred to as role playing, which can be done without physical interactions too!). It’s important to note, though, that kink is not universal. Some people don’t find the term a good fit for their lives, and if it’s not a term you like, that’s okay!

If you want to explore various aspects of kink — or whatever you want to call it — there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, and it can be fun and one way to build rich, fulfilling relationships. However, just as in any community, there are definitely bad actors — predatory and abusive people — in the kink world. Some warning signs can help you differentiate between genuine kinkiness and abusive behavior, but in general, responsible kinksters are very focused on: Open, clear, safe, respectful communication; consent and clearly defined boundaries; respect for each others’ emotions and bodies; autonomy and empowerment; and physical safety in situations where people could be at risk.

Some corners of the community are super welcoming to disabled people because they know what it’s like to be marginalized because of who they are, what their bodies look like, and the nature of their sexual interests. Others may not be so friendly, in which case, their loss! If you want to explore kink, it’s likely to feel best in a respectful environment with people who support your right to access fair, equitable, kind treatment.

Let’s get physical

Some kinky activities may not require any specific adaptations for disabled bodies or brains. Others might, which is why it’s really helpful to be open about the nature of your disability and your limitations with partners. They can only look out for your safety if they know what to look out for. Self-assess your emotional and physical limitations as you look at activities that sound intriguing, from being tied up to some (negotiated) humiliation play — whether you are leading or following those interactions.

When you start having a conversation with a leader, be as clear as you can about the limits that are important to you and make note of warning signs that something is going wrong. A responsible partner — of people who are and also aren’t disabled! — should already be looking for things like strained breathing, color changes in your skin or on your extremities, an extremely fast or slow heart rate, or signs of nonresponsiveness, but you know your body and your mind better than they do. If you have a cognitive impairment and you know that sensory stimulus can sometimes make it hard to communicate, for example, make sure your partner understands that.

If you’re doing the leading, think about your responsibility to keep your partner(s) safe. You may have physical impairments that make it hard to lift or move someone, react quickly in a crisis, or manipulate small objects. Some activities might be challenging, but adaptations can make them fun and sexy. Can’t use rope because it’s hard to grasp? Consider a woven scarf! Have trouble working with someone on a bed? Have them sit in a chair — and tie them to the chair back if they get wriggly. Know that you sometimes struggle with unclear communication? Turn very clear, concise communication into part of the experience.

Some specific risks to consider:

  • Airway safety: If you have difficulty breathing and/or use a ventilator/BiPAP, make sure any positions you use are safe, and tell your partner how to react if you start struggling.
  • Circulatory problems: If your disability interferes with circulation, some positions or activities can be dangerous because they may interrupt bloodflow.
  • Neurological issues: You may have sensation limitations, making it hard to tell if something is breaking skin, burning, or bruising you, or you could have problems standing or sitting for long periods of time. You could also experience referred pain (when someone touches you in one place and it hurts in another) or other unexpected neurological symptoms. For those who experience seizures, it’s important to have a plan in place in the event of a seizure, including ensuring the recipient of your attention is able to contact EMS if necessary.
  • Limited range of motion: Some people like pushing their bodies, but too far can be dangerous. If you feel pain or distress, say so — and let your partner know which kinds of activities just aren’t possible.
  • Cognitive disabilities: If you sometimes have trouble communicating, make a plan ahead of time for facilitating constant, safe conversation, including developing a list of criteria for stopping to take an immediate break.

Many people use safewords to indicate that everything is going great, hey maybe things should slow down, and no, stop immediately. The traffic light approach (“green,” “yellow,” and “red”) is common, but you can come up with something else if you like. Physical signals can also be useful to reinforce messages — or replace verbal cues if you can’t talk. If you have a limited range of motion, spasticity, or other issues that might make it hard to communicate physically, discuss this during your negotiations.

Being adaptable to respond to disability concerns doesn’t mean you can’t have fun, and in fact, sometimes creativity can spark a little evil genius.

If you’re the one wielding the power in a scene, your voice can be an incredible tool, but you can also take advantage of some of the same things you use in daily life to torment your partner. Those grabbers and extenders that help you grasp and navigate the world? Totally adaptable to a physical scene, too. Limited hand strength? You can use the weight of your body as a tool for restraining your partner. You can also bring a third person on the scene to do your bidding, if you want to explore role play.

If you’re the follower — or an equal, depending on how you interact with your partner(s) — you also play an active role in deciding how a scene will play out. You may have adaptive suggestions beforehand that will make the scene more fun and playful. Adaptations will improve and enrich your time together!

Spoken word

While exploring physical sensation together can be intriguing, some people prefer to go verbal (written, spoken, or signed) with a role play. This can make for a fun break, or it might be more your jam, or you might enjoy a mix of the two.

Sometimes role playing can be an interesting way to explore power and control, disablist social structures, and how you relate to the world. Sometimes it can also feel a little too real. A responsible, respectful partner understands when it’s time to stop, either by hearing the word “stop” or picking up on your nonverbal cues, whether they’re leading or following a scene.

Be really specific and clear in negotiations about what you are and aren’t comfortable with (“I don’t like medical role play” “I won’t say that word” “It makes me anxious when…”), and don’t be afraid to safeword out if a scene is making you anxious or causing distress, or to stop a scene as a leader if you feel uncomfortable with the direction it’s headed in. If you know you sometimes go nonverbal or feel a little scrambled when you’re in overload, tell a partner that so they know, and ask them to take it slow and check in regularly — if they ask for feedback and you don’t respond or sound confused, upset, or frustrated, then it’s time to stop.

Afterward

Whether you’ve been involved in an intense physical scene or a dramatic emotional one, kink involves a comedown. Structure time for a break to nurture each other after playing. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what you’ll need after a scene together, especially when playing for the first time, so it’s ideal to have a conversation ahead of time to match up expectations.

  • Physical comfort: Did you lead a scene? Make sure your partner is physically comfortable with cushions, a blanket if needed or wanted, something to drink, and some snacks. Ask your partner if they’re feeling any physical pain or tension. Some people like being touched after a scene —maybe that’s gentle massage, snuggling, brushing their hair — so ask them how they’re doing and whether they’d like more or less attention. On the flip side, communicate with your partner about what you need to be comfortable, and check in with your body. Be aware that endorphins may make it hard to notice pain, dehydration, and other issues at first, so if you feel great, keep checking in with youself.
  • Emotional comfort: The intensity is one of the things some people love about kink, but it can cause a little emotional whiplash for everyone involved in a scene. You might not want to process immediately afterwards, but check in with each other about how you’re doing, and if you have any needs and issues to address. Keep your space calm and relaxing: Think low light, low noise levels, and gentle voices — unless you or your partner is someone who wants lots of stimulation after a scene.
  • Evaluation: After you’ve had time to recover, integrate your play into your ongoing conversation about your relationship. What worked and didn’t work? Did you feel frustrated, disrespected, or ignored? Do you have suggestions for fun things to do in the future, or practical adaptations? Were there communication breakdowns? Why?

It’s also important to note that not all kinky scenes with a partner include or end with sex — no matter the sexual orientations of the people involved in the scene, or even their preexisting relationship. You may like playing with someone you’re not sexually attracted to, may not view kink as a sexual activity, could be asexual, or could absolutely love the way playing together enhances your sex life. This can also be part of your negotiations, whether you’re hoping to integrate sex into role play or you just want to tie someone up and whack them with a whip.

A little shy about getting involved in kink, or not sure where to start? Sometimes local kinky organizations hold “munches,” gatherings that are basically mixers for kinky people, though they are typically 18+. They can be a safer way to meet people, because they’re in a controlled group space, and they can give you a sense of the community and whether or not it’s supportive. There may also be a local coffee shop, art gallery, or other spot known among kinksters if you want to feel things out in an all-ages space and environment that isn’t necessarily sexual.

Taking Your Body for a Ride: Masturbation and Disability

Because disabled sexuality is a source of so much pointed silence, it can be hard to think of yourself as a sexualbeing, and you have a right to be sexually autonomous, no matter what messages you might be getting from media, pop culture, and society. If you’re also a young person, or a member of another group whose sexuality makes other people extra uncomfortable, this can be extra challenging. The stigma surrounding sex and disability means you may also have received a lot of messaging about how masturbation is yucky and not okay. It’s hard to overcome that, and it can be a long journey, but we’re here for you.

Maybe you feel a little awkward or dorky about wanting to explore yourself, and you’re not alone — you’re also not alone if you feel just fine about it, but you’re stymied when it comes to where to begin…

…which is with some basic anatomy. We have a great guide on anatomy that’s focused not just on informative things like what you’ll find where, but how to view your entire body’s sexual health and autonomy. Sexual anatomy isn’t just about genitals or breasts. It’s also about that sexy brain of yours! Your skin! Lips! Ears! Nose! Toes! Exploring your body on its own is a great way to relax and find out more about yourself, but you can also squirrel away some information for future reference in partnered sex and your “Big Sexy Three” — if that’s your thing.

Think big: Masturbation goes beyond genital stimulation and can include what some people refer to as “sensation play,” which is fun for everyone, but can be particularly great if your genitals aren’t in the mood or you want to switch things up a little. Sensation play takes advantage of one of your biggest and coolest erogenous zones: The skin. You may have already noticed that some sensations give you a little shivery feeling — the brush of a hand at just the right pressure, for example. You can harness that to learn more about what feels good and where.

Set aside some serious time, and don’t push or rush yourself. It may take you a while to figure out how to get comfortably situated and discover what works for you, and you don’t want to be interrupted. If you’re worried about family members or aides disturbing you and you don’t feel like discussing your sex life with them, consider asking for a few hours of rest so you can take a “nap.”

Fun note: Because we’re so used to adapting things to make the world work for us, we tend to be pretty creative when it comes to sexuality!

Props, props, props

Even nondisabled people use props — they can change the experience of solo or partnered sex a lot! They may help you masturbate more comfortably, and can free up resources so you can concentrate on the fun stuff instead of an ouch. While some sex stores sell fantastic props and tools for solo and partnered sex, you can also easily improvise, and in the case of some specialty items, you might actually be better off with improvisational work.

First on your list might be some wedges, which you can use to find a comfortable position to support your body. You may already have some around, especially if you have limited mobility and you use wedges or pillows to help support yourself. They can be pricey at a sex store, but medical supply stores often sell their own versions for much less. Play around with different positions to find a way to cradle your body that feels safe and comfortable — and allows you to more easily access areas of interest (which don’t necessarily have to be your genitals!). If you can’t find or purchase wedges, you can also use folded blankets, towels, or sturdy cushions.

You may have good hand mobility and dexterity that you can put to use, but that doesn’t mean you can’t use toys and tools to explore your body. Our DIY sex toy guide has some tips and tools, and you can also experiment with various things from around the house — but remember the safety tips!

  • Cover any and all objects used with a condom — if you don’t have one, a latex or nitrile glove can be a good substitute
  • No objects with sharp edges or pointy bits
  • Do not use anything that could possibly shatter, splinter, or break off inside you
  • Objects with electrical currents are for outside use only
  • Do not use anything that belongs to or that you share with another person
  • Do not use electric objects in the tub or shower

If your hands need a break — or you just want to play with toys because they’re fun — some vibrators have long ergonomic handles that make them easier for you to use. Remote-controlled toys are another option, as you can slip them into your pants or underwear and control their speed and intensity — consider picking up a harness or a pair of underwear with a pocket, or sewing one into an existing set, so the vibrator doesn’t migrate. Depending on your level of impairment, setting up a vibe and lowering yourself onto it is another option.

These techniques work for genitals of all shapes and sizes, though you may need to do some experimentation to figure out what feels right to you. For those of you sporting a penis, a masturbation sleeve can be a great tool if you have difficulty using your hand alone (or want to experiment with different sensations).

If you’re a wheelchair user, one of our sexy crip experts tells me, you’re in luck: Your wheelchair can be a tool for sexual expression too.

Use a powerchair? Explore the tilt function to get your body in a comfortable position for self-exploration. Depending on your mobility, explore the sensation of shifting or rubbing your weight on the seat. Go for a jiggly, bumpy ride on a rough surface. Play around with the position of your belt and/or straps if you want to see what light bondage feels like. But remember to wash your seat cushion on a regular schedule!

On the rest of your body, pretty much anything can become a tool for sensation play: Feathers, back scratchers, dull forks, paddles, hairbrushes…anything that feels different and intriguing. If you have limited dexterity, you can grab a rod and attach items to it for greater and more comfortable reach. One cool thing about many sensation play toys is that you can keep them around while retaining your privacy, because a pencil on the nightstand or a fork you haven’t had a chance to take back to the kitchen yet doesn’t raise any eyebrows, and lots of people have grabby sticks to help them grasp objects.

And did we mention that you have a big, sexy brain? If getting physical is a challenge — you’re not in the mood, you don’t have time, or your living situation isn’t ideal — go old-school. Read some sexy stories! Write some sexy poetry! Find imagery that gets you feeling sexy! Play some sexy music!

When Sensory Stimulation Isn’t

Depending on the nature of your impairment, there may be some parts of your body where you don’t have that much sensation, but for some, the opposite problem holds true. Chronic pain and a variety of other conditions can mean that the wrong sensation in the wrong place is super uncomfortable — or agonizing. You may know your body and its limits when it comes to everyday life, from “ugh, sheets dragging on my skin feels like a nightmare” to “I really don’t like squishy textures,” but you might surprise yourself when you explore your body sexually. Maybe something that seems like it should feel fine, or really good, doesn’t — or maybe your sensory tolerance changes from day to day.

If you have a vagina and you notice persistent pain and discomfort, you might be looking at our old enemy vaginismus, or vulvodynia. Testicular pain and soreness, or a tender foreskin, could also be signs of a problem. While a wide variety of sensory experiences is a part of life, extreme pain and discomfort are cause for concern, and you should talk to your doctor. Need tips on frank and sometimes uncomfy conversations with docs? We’ve got your back!

It can be frustrating when it feels like your body is making war on you when all you want to do is get off! Backing off and taking a break isn’t giving in, though — it’s giving your body some breathing room. If this becomes a recurrent problem, though, bring it up with your doctor. You have the right to live comfortably, and that includes the right to be sexual, so if pain and unpleasant sensations are limiting your sex life, that means they’re a drag on your quality of life, and that’s not good. Remember that in many nations, you’re entitled to privacy, and you can ask a parent or aide to leave the room so you can discuss concerns about your sexuality in private.

Assistance Required

If you use an aide or personal care attendant to help you with tasks of daily living, masturbation can feel pretty complicated — you may need help with things like transferring to your bed, getting your body situated, locating the toys and tools you want to use, setting up vibrators, and more. Because your aide is an employee (and sometimes also a family member), there are some complicated issues to navigate when it comes to sexuality. You may want to maintain a bright line between their work and your sexuality to avoid creating discomfort.

If you’re interested in exploring your sexuality, you can have a frank conversation with your aide about what you’re interested in so the two of you can set some boundaries and discuss what’s possible. It’s okay to feel awkward about that conversation! But remember that sexual pleasure is part of your overall health and wellbeing and you are entitled to be able to masturbate. Discuss your physical needs from a practical perspective — “I would like help setting up bolsters and transferring to the bed or couch” — and focus on making them as similar as possible to tasks your aide may already be completing for you. Your aide may already help you on a daily basis by setting out items you use, for example, or assisting with attaching things to extenders or grabbers so you can use them independently.

Similarly, your aide may spend time around your genitals in a health care context — they may assist you with putting on underwear and taking it off and toileting, for instance. Focus on the practicalities of issues like “I would like help cleaning up.” It may feel clinical and pretty unsexy, but it can also help maintain personal boundaries — you’re asking them to enable you to masturbate safely and comfortably, not to do the work for you.

Your aide (or family member) may decide that they should be in control of your sexuality — and that specifically, you shouldn’t have any. That’s not actually their call to make, but you may have limited options when it comes to things like firing them, especially if you’re a minor. Or you may feel too uncomfortable to have a discussion about it right now, in which case safe workarounds may be your best option — like waiting until bedtime to have some me time, when you know you won’t be interrupted! If your aide isn’t supportive of your needs, it’s time to get crafty, and think about requests that would give you a little private time to explore paired with the tools you need without being explicit about what you’re doing.

How able-bodied folks can make disabled partner comfortable sex

Article by Nick Moreno published on Wear Your Voice Mag on Jan 25, 2016.

“So how do you… do it?

When it comes to sex, people with disabilities are often times viewed as sexless, not worthy of sexual desire, fetishized and often stripped of our bodily agency.

So how does this all work? Well, it’s a case-by-case basis. Communication is key here. It’s more than just asking what your partner (for the night or, however, long) likes. It’s about setting up a dialogue to make sure you’re both on the same page. Ask us what accommodations we may need.

Accommodations can be anything from pillows, or foam wedges to prop up our legs/bodies (because not all of us can move and hold ourselves into positions that most able-bodied people can get into), to having breaks, taking pain medication, or using safe words, physical cues – like hand gestures – to let your partner know what you need and how they can help at getting you more relaxed. For folks who experience paralysis, ask them how they can be accommodated physically and emotionally. This will vary person to person, so be sure to check in on how you can help. If you’re planning BDSM scenes, be sure to go over safe words, gestures, or positioning materials you might need. Be sure not to overlook anything, this way you’ll be able to have fun and not worry about forgetting anything along the way.

Having sex when you’re disabled can be tricky sometimes. It’s important to trust when we say what we want. Some folks with disabilities are kinksters, some are vanilla, some are queer/trans- we’re all different. Ask what we like. Understand that for some of us, it can be quite difficult to share our bodies with another person. Some of us are insecure about our scars or deformities, but this isn’t true for all of us. Many of us love our bodies and some of us are still learning to love our bodies the way they are

Don’t give into the notion that we don’t like sex or that we don’t have or want sex. Question why this notion exists in the first place. It does so because of ableism and the stigma that people with disabilities are useless and incapable in all facets of life. It’s time that able-bodied people unlearn this and stop using folks with disabilities to satisfy their fetishes.

Once you know how to accommodate your partner have fun! Be honored that they chose to be this raw and vulnerable with you.

Foreplay will work differently for everyone. As with able-bodied folks, focus on the things that arouse you both, say the things they love — all within the person’s boundaries of course. Even during sex, briefly, check in from time to time. It can even be something as simple as “do you like that?”

While it’s great for you to be helpful, be sure not to treat us like we’re completely helpless. Many of us are more self-sufficient than you might think. Take extra care to stay away from words or phrases that are fetishizing, tokenizing, or ableist. This means phrases like “I’ve never been with someone who’s disabled before.” “So do you have sex like normal people?” Steer away from intrusive questions about specific medical history especially if you’re just hooking up. If a person with disabilities wants to share something from their medical history, they will unveil that to you on their own time, at their own accord! There’s no need to draw that out of them. Let us be in charge of our own narratives, and we’ll tell you if we’re comfortable with doing so; and if not — that’s okay too.

All in all, communication is key. Some of us like to have sex hard and dirty, other love a softer approach. Know and fully understand what accommodations we need. We can enjoy sex just as much as able-bodied people.

The Last Taboo

STORYLINE

These persons share their outlooks on affection, connection, friendships, relationships and, according to their experiences, they share what they’ve learned about themselves. Basically, the overall idea of the film is that… “In bed, everyone’s able.”

The maker of this film, Alexander Freeman, had never felt comfortable with his own sexuality. It was always that strange thing that he wanted so badly to explore, because in order for you to really understand yourself you have to be able to experience the touch of another person. One time a girl who was a friend of his gave him an experience that changed how he saw his own sexuality. It was the first time that he felt attractive. But he still had questions. He decided to find out why it is perceived to be the last taboo. He has cerebral palsy, which basically means that he doesn’t have total control over his muscles. But, everything still works down there.

The problem with the word “disability” is that it has a negative connotation from the get-go. It automatically implies that there’s something that somebody “can’t”, or something that somebody “isn’t”, and that becomes defining, foundational definition of the way somebody thinks of somebody and then it spills over everything including sexuality.

People will look at something and they’ll think it’s beautiful if it falls under certain guidelines and that is what puts so much stigma on the idea of someone with a disability being a sexual person, because people can’t quite connect the dots between the idea that someone has a non-normative body or presentation and the fact that they might be sexual.

The Last Taboo conveys a captivating and comforting story of six people with different physical disabilities and a fit partner who was in a relationship with one of them.

How I Have Sex as a Quadriplegic

This article by Anna Breslaw was originally published on www.cosmopolitain.com on June 27th 2014.

Rachelle Friedman, author of The Promise: A Tragic Accident, a Paralyzed Bride, and the Power of Love, Loyalty, and Friendship, dispels misconceptions about the sex lives of disabled people and speaks frankly about her own.

It was the summer of 2010 and I was having a bachelorette party. I had been engaged for a year, and it was four weeks from my wedding. I’d met Chris in college; he was my first boyfriend. We got engaged right after graduation. We were staying at a friend’s house who lived in Virginia Beach. At night, my friends got me a limo like I had always wanted, and we went dancing. By 1 or 1:30 a.m., I was kinda over it, and wanted to chill by the pool. So we went home, I ran upstairs to put my suit on, and stood at the side of the pool. It was chilly, so I was hesitating, and my friend playfully came up behind me and pushed me into the pool. I went headfirst. Thank god I protected my head with my hands, but I went in at bad angle and broke my neck.

I immediately knew it was serious, even as I was on the side of the pool with the paramedics. People say it was shock but I knew how bad it was. Chris was camping with his dad three and a half hours away so when the accident happened we couldn’t get in touch with him at first; he didn’t know until the morning. I can’t imagine getting that phone call. He was scared and sad about what happened, mostly. I was in the ICU for 10 days and then I went to rehab for about 2 ½ months. I’m a C-6 quadriplegic.

Chris was by my side the whole time, no matter what. It wasn’t even a question. People are like, “It’s amazing that he stayed with you!” It’s like people think someone with a disability isn’t as deserving as someone who is able-bodied. As if he’s giving me a favor. That is so sad for them, because it goes to show that they have no idea what true love is.

Before the accident, we were very sexual as a couple. We click sexually very well. We had sex more than the average couple. He was actually my first; I lost my virginity to him in college. We just connected so perfectly — sex was something that always brought us closer together, and it was scary to think what our lives would be like sexually [after the accident]. The doctors don’t really talk about that stuff — you don’t know until you get into rehab. And even there, they don’t say anything unless you ask, which I did. Learning how to have sex all over again, in my opinion, is vital to the rehab process. I had a very awesome, open nurse who worked at the hospital I was at, and neither of us had any problems talking about sex. There was also a female quad who worked there who was 40 and who got hurt in her 20s, and she was very sexual and open, and I asked her a lot of questions.

[Chris and I] had sex for the first time after the accident when two months had passed, and it was kind of like losing my virginity again. We talked about it, we knew we would still be intimate, and we knew I wouldn’t be able to crawl around on the bed and climb on top of him — but from the sex ed that I sought out since I was openly talking to people [at rehab], there were plenty of positions I could do. I actually had sex for the first time in rehab, because they have a special room, like an apartment, that people go into by themselves, and it’s kind of like being at home again. The nurses only come when you ask them for help for something, because it’s hard to transition from a hospital bed to normal life again. So we had an apartment for the night and we decided to try to have sex.

It was different than it used to be, first of all, because I don’t exactly feel sexy. Before I got hurt, I was an aerobics instructor and I got myself as fit as I could. I was a girl. I wanted to look sexy. Now I couldn’t even shave my legs by myself, I was pale, and I had a neck brace on in the middle of summer. So it was hard to be in the moment, but at the same time, it was a revelation! It was awesome. I was like, “I’m gonna go home and take care of myself like I used to, and I wont always have this neck brace.”

I’m still trying to figure out the deal with orgasms. Basically, it’s hard to explain this, but some people have complete feeling down there when they have sex. I’m not one of them. I don’t feel below my chest, but when I’m having sex I can tell when he’s inside me — because my blood pressure raises a little bit, and your body changes in a lot of little ways. The vagus nerve is responsible for the pleasure signals from sex and it totally bypasses your spinal cord and goes straight to your brain. So that’s why I’m kind of able to tell when I’m having sex and still feel aroused. You get endorphins, you feel the same signals in your brain pleasure-wise, I get the messages. And most girls like to be kissed on their neck, but now it’s an ultra sensitive spot for me. It’s very intense.

Now: Do I hardcore climax? I haven’t gotten there yet. But I get to a very intense state of pleasure. And sometimes, other quads figure out how to get that, after years and years. But one positive difference, I would say, is that before the accident, it was always about having the orgasm. My mind really did kind of get set on getting there, and sometimes, looking back, I wasn’t always in the moment. And now I am. At this point, it’s about feeling all those pleasure zones as they happen, and not just waiting for the big climax.

Obviously, I want people to understand the truth. I’m not gonna say it’s so much better — I miss orgasms. It’s natural to want to have an orgasm. I’m never going to lie about it. But as far as positions go, it’s much easier to do missionary obviously with my legs — you’d hold them back, but what I do is kind of wrap my arms around my legs to make it easier. I can do it from the side, like being embraced, or on my stomach.

One reason I’m very upfront and overshare about this is because it’s such a misconception that people in wheelchairs can’t have sex or be sexy — and they’re just lying there, so how can that be sexy? But there’s a lot I can still do in the bedroom, and I still think our sex life is better than the average married couple’s.

Positions, positions, positions!

Original content post by our blogger Aimee Louw. Check all of her contributions.

“A good position for sex is one that will let you do what you want to do, let you touch the parts of your partner or yourself that you want to touch, and let you be comfortable.”

This quote is from the Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability (link). Here are a few positions contained in the book the Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability that might provide some inspiration for your sexy times.

 

  1. One partner on top

“If one  partner has more physical strength and control than the other, they may want to take a position on top with their partner lying on their back or side.”

While some people consider the top to be superior or in all control, the person on the bottom can also have a lot of control either through verbal or non-verbal cues. Something as subtle as an eyebrow raise or a             certain look can tell your partner that you want them to do             something different, or increase pressure, or whatever.

There are some tools that can help with comfort levels if you have pain or stiff body parts. For example, you could try putting a pillow or two under you knees, so there’s no strain on your legs, or you could roll up a towel and put it under your lower back so that you don’t  get back pain. Experimenting with these different supports is very personal, but these are just a few ideas. The person on the bottom, if they want or are able to, can try raising their legs and putting their knees against the other person’s chest, or over their partner’s shoulders. This could allow for deeper penetration, potentially, or easier access to the clitoris or other parts of your genitals.

Illustration by Fiona Smyth retrieved from Ultimate guide to sex and disability reprensenting two people having sex with one lying down propped up by pillows

Illustration by Fiona Smyth for the Ultimate guide to sex sex and disability

2. Using your wheelchair

“Sex in your wheelchair has the benefit of speed (if you don’t have time for more than a quickie). You don’t even need to get fully undressed!”

Here are some considerations when fucking in a wheelchair: if it’s a manual chair or if the armrests move up or down you could remove or raise the armrests so that the person not using the wheelchair can straddle you. The person on top can either face the person using the wheelchair or they can ride them with a sort of alternate doggy-style. Meaning, more like their sitting down in a similar position that the wheelchair user is sitting in. If the person using the wheelchair wants, they can scoot forward with or without assistance, revealing whatever part they want to be touched or penetrated. This can also be a useful position for the person using the wheelchair to receive oral.

Illustration by Fiona Smyth representing two people having sex, one of them in a wheel chair while the other one is straddling them.

Illustration by Fiona Smyth for the Ultimate guide to sex sex and disability

  1. Lying on your side: There are so many different positions that people can potentially have sex in on  a bed. One such position is lying on your side. Some potential appeals for lying on your side-style sex: it can be effective for a person wearing a catheter attached to a leg-bag.

People with sore hips or leg joints can have sex this way without out needing to put too much weight or pressure on their legs.

People with tight hip or leg muscles or tendons can access this position perhaps more easily than say, missionary or doggy-style for example.

Potential angles

With the lying on your side approach to sex, angles can be quite important. You could try penetrative sex (either with a hand, penis, dildo…) in a spooning position, or in a T-shaped position wherein one person is lying head to toe in bed and the other person is lying  perpendicular to them (include diagram), or the sexual partners could face each other for either hand sex, or sex with toys, or penetrative sex of various sorts. Of course, there’s the classic 69 pose, wherein two partners pleasure each other with oral sex either at the same time or at different times, and there is of course the   buddy side-by-side position where partners can touch each other’s  bodies while lying in a relatively close distance and comfortable position.

Illustration by Fiona Smyth representing two person having sex while lying on the side in a bed. One of them has got a catheter bag.

Illustration by Fiona Smyth for the Ultimate guide to sex sex and disability

  1. There are many different ways to use furniture and household items as tools or settings for sex. One example is a bed or a chair or pillows or a table or a piano, or whatever. Figuring out positions and things that facilitate comfortable and enjoyable sex is about experimenting and using household objects and items in new, sexier ways. There are also some products that you can buy that help for positioning for sex. (More info on that on the document Pleasureable, sexual devices manual for persons with disabilities). There are also pillows that have been designed specifically to assist in positioning. They can be used for sexual positioning or simply lying in bed and reading or typing or whatever. There is a draw back, which is that they’re kind of expensive and so they can be financially inaccessible. According to the Ultimate Guide, some sex toy manufacturers make pillows that are for sexual positioning, however, they say that they are not the best quality and can break when weight is placed on them.

This is a non-exhaustive into the world of sexual positions! These are just a few examples drawn from the fabulous book, The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability, that hopefully will give you some ideas when you are imagining and when you are practicing different sexual positions. One of the most important things can be to check in with yourself and with the    person or people you are having sex with, and to ask yourself and         them-through the ways you communicate- if you’re comfortable. (link to consent + communication post)

If you’re not, imagine what would make you feel more comfortable and if you’re able to try to make that thing happen.

And when in doubt, try to have some pillows or extra blankets nearby for on-the-fly!

Photo: Illustration by Fiona Smyth From Ultimate guide to sex and disability represnting two people having sex while using the edge of a bed for positionning Posted on Tags , ,