“So how do you… do it?”
When it comes to sex, people with disabilities are often times viewed as sexless, not worthy of sexual desire, fetishized and often stripped of our bodily agency.
So how does this all work? Well, it’s a case-by-case basis. Communication is key here. It’s more than just asking what your partner (for the night or, however, long) likes. It’s about setting up a dialogue to make sure you’re both on the same page. Ask us what accommodations we may need.
Accommodations can be anything from pillows, or foam wedges to prop up our legs/bodies (because not all of us can move and hold ourselves into positions that most able-bodied people can get into), to having breaks, taking pain medication, or using safe words, physical cues – like hand gestures – to let your partner know what you need and how they can help at getting you more relaxed. For folks who experience paralysis, ask them how they can be accommodated physically and emotionally. This will vary person to person, so be sure to check in on how you can help. If you’re planning BDSM scenes, be sure to go over safe words, gestures, or positioning materials you might need. Be sure not to overlook anything, this way you’ll be able to have fun and not worry about forgetting anything along the way.
Having sex when you’re disabled can be tricky sometimes. It’s important to trust when we say what we want. Some folks with disabilities are kinksters, some are vanilla, some are queer/trans- we’re all different. Ask what we like. Understand that for some of us, it can be quite difficult to share our bodies with another person. Some of us are insecure about our scars or deformities, but this isn’t true for all of us. Many of us love our bodies and some of us are still learning to love our bodies the way they are
Don’t give into the notion that we don’t like sex or that we don’t have or want sex. Question why this notion exists in the first place. It does so because of ableism and the stigma that people with disabilities are useless and incapable in all facets of life. It’s time that able-bodied people unlearn this and stop using folks with disabilities to satisfy their fetishes.
Once you know how to accommodate your partner have fun! Be honored that they chose to be this raw and vulnerable with you.
Foreplay will work differently for everyone. As with able-bodied folks, focus on the things that arouse you both, say the things they love — all within the person’s boundaries of course. Even during sex, briefly, check in from time to time. It can even be something as simple as “do you like that?”
While it’s great for you to be helpful, be sure not to treat us like we’re completely helpless. Many of us are more self-sufficient than you might think. Take extra care to stay away from words or phrases that are fetishizing, tokenizing, or ableist. This means phrases like “I’ve never been with someone who’s disabled before.” “So do you have sex like normal people?” Steer away from intrusive questions about specific medical history especially if you’re just hooking up. If a person with disabilities wants to share something from their medical history, they will unveil that to you on their own time, at their own accord! There’s no need to draw that out of them. Let us be in charge of our own narratives, and we’ll tell you if we’re comfortable with doing so; and if not — that’s okay too.
All in all, communication is key. Some of us like to have sex hard and dirty, other love a softer approach. Know and fully understand what accommodations we need. We can enjoy sex just as much as able-bodied people.